Lessons Through Trials

Do you ever get a song stuck in your head?! For months now the song by the Police “Every Breath You Take” has been playing in my head but with the lyrics changed slightly.

It goes a little something like this…

“Every breath I take
And every move I make
Every single day, every step I take
I’m in constant pain”

It always make me giggle a little bit to myself but it’s so true. I have been in constant pain for months now. My joints hurt and my muscles hurt. I have felt like a 90 year old woman who can hardly move or do things for herself sometimes. It’s amazing how much we take our bodies for granted when they work and function properly and then miss it so much when we can’t do simple things like open a door or zip up a jacket.

But a week ago Thursday I finally got into a rheumatologist and was able to get a prescription that is 90 times better than the ibuprofen I’ve been living off of. I also got a cortisone shot in both of my shoulders so I can use them and it’s amazing! I can lift my arms above my head and I can pick up my babies without wincing. I was feeling so great the next night that I even started dancing in the kitchen a little bit and ran up the stairs. I felt like a new woman!

So you might be asking yourself why on earth do I suffer from so much pain at only 31 years of age?! I ask that question frequently when I throw myself a pity party and think how unfair life is. The gene pool can be unkind! I have psoriatic arthritis. I have had psoriasis as long as I can remember on my elbows, knees and scalp. Apparently around the age of 30 the arthritis can kick in! Again lucky me and that gene pool of mine.

There was a day several weeks back now where I came home from church and I was just in so much pain that I laid on my bed and cried. I was tired of hurting! I was tired of feeling like an invalid! I was tired of not being able to play on the floor with my kids! I was tired of being the mean wife and mommy because of the constant pain! I cried! And I cried! And I started crying unto the Lord! I cried for relief! I cried for patience! I cried for understanding! By the time I calmed down I felt so much better. I was at peace. I wasn’t doing the pity party anymore, I realized I needed to submit myself unto God and learn what He wants me to learn through this trial. I am so grateful for my Savior’s atonement that makes it possible to remove all pains if we truly turn to Him and take His yoke upon us.

One thing I have learned again through this trial is to not judge others. We can look at someone and wonder what is wrong with them and make judgments about them when we know nothing of their situation or circumstances when we see them for that small window in passing. I’m still working on this but it has truly started to change my mind on how I view others.

I still have a long way to go to really change things and not totally rely upon pain pills for the rest of my life but I am on my way. I have some life choices to make like giving up SUGAR!!! I have several Dr. appointments still to really figure everything out as my body is one ball of mess! But I am grateful for Dr.’s and the knowledge they have to help us out. And most especially I am grateful for my Savior and His atonement and patience with me.

A Time and a Season!

As I sat at my computer this morning messaging with a friend some words came out of me that caught me off guard. My eyes stung with warm tears as I realized how truly blessed I am again. Wow! What is it about us as women and mothers?! We are so hard on ourselves. We dismiss all the great things we are doing and accomplishing because it doesn’t match up to this ideal we have in our head or we haven’t accomplished everything on our to do list. Let’s face it that to do list is never going away! It only continues to grow!

Lately I’ve been feeling really down on myself. My children are growing so fast and while I am present I am not present as I would like since I work full time from home with them around me all day. My mind has been wandering to the future and what age my children will be when I am finally able to stop working. I’ve been focused on how hard it is to work and balance my kids and how unfair it is that I have to work at all. Which when I feel this way I feel even worse as I know I am so fortunate to provide for my family.

As I was talking with my friend about schooling for my kids and where we hope to live some day after my husband is out of school some words came out that just opened my eyes again. I said there is a time and a season for everything! How blessed I am that for this small season I am able to provide for my family. How blessed I am that for this small season my son is going to a preschool that specializes in his needs to help him learn! How blessed I am that I have access to a speech therapist for my oldest daughter to teach her and me how to help her to speak! How blessed I am to be able to watch my children each day albeit sometimes more on the sidelines but I am not missing out on words being spoken, hugs being given, the ABC song being sung, Lego towers being built, or moments of cuddles in the middle of the day.

There will be a time and a season for me to be more fully devoted to my children. There will be a time and a season for my house to be perfectly clean. There will be a time and season where I can accomplish more on that to do list. Our lives are made of times and seasons some are longer than others and some are fleeting. They never feel fleeting in the moment though as we are bogged down with the weight of the world upon us. But who wants us to feel like this moment will never pass? Who wants us to think about what we are missing out on? Satan does. He wants us to be miserable in this life and in the life to come just like he is. But I don’t want to be miserable! I want to open my eyes and see the blessings that are pouring down from Heaven upon me.

I am so grateful for this season I have to be a mother! It is hard! It is challenging! But it is worth! My children are worth it!

Ecclesiastes Chapter 3:1-8

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Family Time at the Park

We do our best to enjoy time outside together as a family as much as possible (for us). We decided to take our kids out to a park in Orem. We had checked it out partially before while trying to drive me around into labor (never worked).

 

The park was a little crowded at first for our taste but we waited it out and eventually the kids had the run of the play structure to themselves.

 

Benjamin had a blast climbing these steps and going down the slide in a sorts of different ways. Elizabeth ventured to the top a few times and came down the slide once or twice. Abigail slept snuggly on her daddy. (11/10/2013)

 

I love how the sun affected several of my pictures!

There were ducks to feed and I had some crackers in the car that were stale so we tried to feed them. Benjamin didn't get the concept and would just eat the cracker pieces we gave him. I packed some food and we went for a walk and found a table to eat at and the kids had fun running around and coming back to the table for some more food.

 

It was a good family outing! I love spending time with my family!

Going Home and Knocking on Doors

Thankfully you only can really spend 48 hours in the hospital once you give birth (unless of course there are complications). I had asked about when I could expect to leave and since Abigail was born so late they were thinking after dinner time as they wanted to watch her for the full 48 hours almost (because of being such a large baby and watching her sugars which she passed all of her tests just fine). A different pediatrician came on and he said I could go home. I was able to go home after lunch. Hooray!

 

I was so tired of the bed that I sat in the nice chair and Jared took the bed for awhile which Benjamin thought was great.

Elizabeth missed her mommy! And you know what Mommy missed her too!

 When we were finally ready to leave Benjamin saw me put my shoes on and got so excited! I love those moments when you can tell your children really do love and adore you.

 

One thing I noticed shortly after going home was that Benjamin learned something about doors. He learned doors are for knocking on. He goes around our house now knocking on doors and opening the ones he can. When we come home he runs to the front door and starts knocking. And he will knock until the door is opened. It is pretty funny to me. I talked to Jared about it shortly after noticing and he said it must be because Jared would knock before entering my room at all. Love it!

Alone at the Hosptial

Being left at the hospital alone this time was strange and difficult for me. Every time Jared left I would cry. (I am an emotional person to begin with but I am going to blame some of it on the hormones.) Deirdre was so sweet and came back after leaving and offered to stay with me. I let her go home though as I knew the nurses would keep waking us up. I was fine after a few minutes but it was just so different. We decided Jared taking the kids home would be best as they don't deal well with Daddy alone at night as it is and we didn't want to stress anyone else out with their screaming.

Aunt Deirdre and Abigail on the left. Uncle Jason and Daddy on the top middle. Benjamin happily playing on the Surface on the bottom middle. Elizabeth passed out on the hospital bed on the right.

 The next day Jason and Deirdre came back for another visit (to see me of course!). Aunt Deirdre got to hold Abigail and I got a nice picture of them together. Benjamin was so excited when he came back and saw mommy. Jared told me that when they were getting ready to leave he asked Benjamin about going to see mommy and that Benjamin booked it out the door and to the van.

 

A small hospital room is rough for keeping kids happy and entertained. Elizabeth eventually passed out and Benjamin had fun playing on the bed. We just had to keep him from hitting the nurses call button.

 

11/05/2013 I made the hair bow for Abigail for the hospital specifically.

Jared took the kids home again but was able to come back for a bit in the evening which was very nice. Jason and Deirdre watched the kids for awhile at our house which I learned each kid took a turn cuddling up with their Aunt and Uncle.

And Then There Were 3

Abigail is two weeks old today and part of me is like how can it be two weeks already and the other part can't imagine life without her here now. The first few nights home with her were a bit rough and this mommy about had a breakdown as all 3 children wanted mommy all night long it felt like and I was not getting the much needed sleep! But come day 3 being home Abigail started sleeping for long chunks of time at night. Hooray! Sleep is so important! It makes for a much nicer mommy!

 

Abigail Christine Lutz was born on November 4th at 11:45pm. It was like she almost was going to make me wait one more day because waiting the 5 days past my due date wasn't hard enough. I could hardly breathe anymore which was one of the first things I noticed after not being pregnant anymore was I could finally breathe again (it wasn't all Utah's fault that I was lacking oxygen). She is my smallest baby so far at 9lbs 15oz (I know ha! Small! but for me that is small and she seems very small to me, which I think might be because I still see Elizabeth as a baby sometimes and she weighs about 24lbs. now) and measuring in at 20.5 inches long.

Abigail getting weighed on the top. Uncle Jason with Benjamin on the left. Abigail in the middle with her fauxhawk. Elizabeth cuddling with mommy on the right.

 

Once she decided to come she came quickly...only 3 pushes on one contraction. I was surprised when they said I was done. I almost didn't believe them but then I saw my beautiful Abigail. I had actually asked to be induced on day 3 of her being late as I was hurting and in pain. If I had made it to 41 weeks they were going to induce me anyways due to risks for both me and the baby. I prayed about it a lot and finally felt being induced was the right thing for me.

 

We had Jared's brother Jason and his wife Deirdre there with us and Madison (one of my young women from WA who is here in Utah too). They were helping to wrangle Benjamin and Elizabeth. They actually got them to sleep which was great. Benjamin and Elizabeth fell asleep and were left in the room when Abigail was born. My amazing Dr. (Sarah Andrews...that is a fun story of finding her about two weeks before my due date and I am so glad that I did!) thought it was so cute how they were asleep through the whole thing. It didn't last though. With Abigail's crying they did wake up.

 

After Abigail was born I was finally able to hold Elizabeth again which is all she wanted but holding her with the IV in my arm made me nervous. I cuddled with her for a bit though which helped to calm her back down. I tried to hold her during labor but I could only do it for so long and not the way she wanted to be held.

 

I am so grateful to be a mother of 3 beautiful and amazing children. Elizabeth and Abigail are barely 17 months apart but I know it will all work out. Benjamin and Elizabeth are still adjusting and I know it will take some time for them but I am excited to see their relationships blossom.

Nesting

 

I've been working on these cute little birds for weeks now (because I only have so much spare time). Today is my first day of 3 months of vacation (aka maternity leave) and since I'm still pregnant and not able to do a whole lot I decided to work on these birds some more.

 

I am making them to build a mobile. The pattern can be found here. I've made 7 birds twice. We shall see how I decide to finish putting it together...I have a few different ideas but not sure just yet.